all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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