youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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