Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
