God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
