Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
