shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
