i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
