it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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