The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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