Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
