he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
