You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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