Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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