I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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