Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
