We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
