If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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