Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
