Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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