I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
