i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
