I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
