just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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