guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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