She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
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Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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