i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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