Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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