did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
