How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
