i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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