you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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