I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
