Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
