You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
