I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
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