cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You may now shotgun with the bride
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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