last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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