I wish I could teleport
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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