I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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