My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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