Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think i got beer on your cat.
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