I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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