I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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