i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
