So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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