"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
