If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I could make wine with my vomit
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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