seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
