My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
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