Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
