how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
