theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
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You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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