she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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