i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
