I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
