Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We have started to decorate penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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