When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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