Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
