so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
