I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
