mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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